When I had baangs, they were pain in the ass.

↑ Kind of a weird picture to be posting at such a depressing time.

You’re not the one that needs supporting.

I’m just sick and tired of everyone just caring about themselves. And complaining. And screaming at me. Not to sound conceded, but I’ve done so much for you, asshole. I just wish you would realize that.

     I broke up with Maverick♂ today. David♂ has a girl friend♀. And now I’m all alone ♥ I don’t know what I did :) Tonight is just a very lonely night.


Gonna go to Peets Coffe & Tea and get a cup o’ tea ~

I kidd :) I need coffee today because last night I slept at Four/Five am..

Then I’m going to go to my work for two hours and then have lunch with someone. I also need to talk to Sara about something.. BUT SHE’S AT SCHOOL :( I have the whole week off, but she only had a four day weekend, I have no idea why it’s different. Anyways, I have to get ready now.

4:11 am
Oh.. You know, just drinking four different things and not being able to sleep,. thinkin’ bout stuff..

4:11 am

Oh.. You know, just drinking four different things and not being able to sleep,. thinkin’ bout stuff..

So then I moved on..

Listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHlhOgQ36m8&feature=player_embedded#at=41

or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDJwA6_KDP4&feature=branded

Out with the Nick, I’m in loove with another ~

Hey, hey, hey :)

Soooo, there is this guy named Maverick. Pretty funny, cause there’s a beach named Maverick where I live. It’s a beautiful place, I’ll put a photo up later when I get my camera. Oh my gowdd, I like him a bunch, (sorry for the sudden topic change, this is gonna happen a lot all through out!) He is my everything ~ ahahahaha, I’ve been laying off on just “guys” I’ve been trying to stay/trust guys more. But the thing is, [Gosh, there’s always a “But”] he doesn’t trust me much as I trust him. I don’t know ANYTHING about him, even though we’ve been best friends for two freakin’ years. He’s so kept in. I’m trying so hard to understand him, but he’s just so mysterious. From all the guy’s I’ve dated, I thought I knew guys. Sometimes I really hate boys. But why did I start trusting him? I mean, yeah, he’s been my friend for two whole years, and he knows so much about me. Maybe he’s insecure about the guys that I’ve dated and maybe he’s thinking that I might hurt his feelings. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pD-2VsWaJo0 That is the song that he showed me, and he says that he relates to it a whole bunch. Well,. In the end of the song, it says “I guess you never knew me at all.” Does that mean, that he’s already given up from the start? Just, the thing is, I’m so in love with him. I don’t know why, he’s just.. different. He’s the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of me. He’s smart, not funny at all (♥), tall.., ect. LOL, I wish I could say more, but that’s just all I know of him. Oh, he has really good taste in music :) And he plays badminton, or maybe it was tennis, I don’t remember! I’ll just go with tennis. He thinks that we’re not gonna work out?

     Last night/Yesterday, we talked, about this relationship. Sorry, I didn’t update earlier, but I didn’t even think of writing about him, because it’s just so hard to be with him so all I can do is wait.. We can only hang out during Thursdays, Saturday, and maybe Sunday. And it’s always only for just a while. I mean, I’m starting to feel desperate. He knows, that I don’t go to guys, as you can say. Man, I’m not thinking straight. What I mean is, I control guys. Hmm, I guess you could say that, I actually do. I understand guys, and there won’t be any surprises for me when I date one. Usually, when I date guys, I don’t have feelings for them. Unless they make an impression on me. Mav and I, last night, just said our Good byes, I mean, Good nights, and went to sleep. I mean, at least he did, but I didn’t sleep until four am. Today I sent him a facebook message about the song/music video. This is what I said:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pD-2VsWaJo0

1:51 You need bad relationships so recognize a good one, I love you so much ♥
2:20 I don’t know anything about that stuff. :D
2:37 Girls will say they’re cool with it… They’re not really cool with it. (;

2:44 I have to believe that true love is still possible.
3:03333. etc.
I actually like this songg ♥

     I hope he doesn’t break up with me.

Suprise?

Listen to this while reading this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6K3g0DKYFWs&feature=topvideos

I take all relationships seriously. Against me. But well, maybe this is my own doing. I usually didn’t take relationships seriously. I would date them, and then dump them. Not a big deal if they get hurt, yeah!! (sarcasm) But you see, when it happens to me. Yes, it effects me very much. Anyways, what happened was, there is this guy named Nick and he’s not special at all.. okay, maybe a little bit now because what he did to me made me remember him more. But, back to the point, I kind of knew that he had a girl friend, three, to be exact. (they all go to different schools so they don’t know) Me, on the other hand, I’m sort of going out with this guy named Taylor. He’s sweet and all, but really not my type. We haven’t talked since the last time I threw up all over at his house, because of too much drinking. I just thought for once that he would be the one and I was just too happy and drunk like a mosquito on a skin. And I stayed over at his house. But when I say I threw up all over at his house, it wasn’t THAT gross. So it wasn’t that, that stretched us apart. You see, I don’t call guys. They have to call me. Maybe that’s something stupid that I have, but, whatever. Anyways, you can say I’m kind of single. But Nick, last night wanted to “go out” with me. Of course, at then I totally forgot that he was dating THREE girls. Mhm, that would be four girls he would be dating if he counts me. Maybe that’s how I am. I can see myself in him now. That’s how horrible I am. But I just can’t stop. It’s just how I am. I don’t care, well, I do but it’s just hard when the first guy I ever dated just threw me away because I wasn’t good enough. His name was either Derek or Ryan. ANYWAYS, geesh. I’m getting off topic a lot. Wait, no, these facts are important to know. Hmm, where was I.. OH YEAH! So today, we’re talking on the phone and we’re both doing homework (cough, nerd, cough) and he says,

"Oh, I gotta go, sorry. My girl friend’s coming over in 30 minutes and she doesn’t like it when I’m on the phone so I gotta go." And this suddenly reminds me that he already had three girl friends!! Yey, happiness fades away~ (sarcasm) Oh, now that I realize, when he was telling me that he had three girl friends, I thought he was kidding. HOW MORE STUPID COULD I HAVE BEEN? I loooove the fact that I’m the smartest kid in the world. :) [sarcasm]

My heart sinks and I’m dieing inside. Okay, okay, I know you’ve heard that TONS of times from people that got their heart broken. The truth is, that it made me realize that fooling guys and just dumping them is wrong. So I’ll try to fix this whole.. shit, about me. Back to what’s happening, I don’t act like this bothers me at all, and say,

"Okay, have fun~ Buhbye!" Trying to shoo him away. There’s no depressing sayings like "OH ME GAHHHH. DON’T LEAVE ME. YOU’RE MY ONE AND ONLY AND I’LL DIE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!" Maybe that’s not exactly how it goes, but you get what I mean. And he totally thinks I’m shooing him away so he says,

"Are you trying to shoo me away?" Yes, we both use the word "shoo"

"No, I just don’t want your girl friend to see you on the phone."

"She’s not here yet, she’s coming in 30 minutes."

"But when she gets to your room. She’ll see you. By the way, why aren’t you going there? Because I never go to my boy friend’s house" The last part, "Because I never go to my boy friend’s house" I’m not exactly sure if I said that. I just said something that says that I don’t usually go to someone’s house. I don’t even think that I used the word Boy friend, so that it doesn’t give him any ideas.

"It’s okay, I’m just going to finish my homework."

"Okay" And some time later we hung up. I have nothing more to add. Just that my heart is broken.

Thursday, November 25th, 2010: Phone Call

So, I remember you telling me that you were having a party at your place. A family reunion party. Just because a lotta people were around where you were living. Well, you promised me that we’d watch a movie together. Just real simple. On Youtube, I was thinking. I even went through the trouble to find a good movie that we would both enjoy. Well, I wouldn’t even care if I hated it, but if you liked it. Cause ya know,…. Anyways, you totally just kapoofed me. You said you were gonna go take a shower nd that you’ll call me back. Great job on the calling back part, cause I never got never get any calls from you. Kay, so I was totally waiting for your call. Thanks for totally wasting my fucking time. So, after like, really a long time, (probably bout 2~4hrs) OH! and did i mention that I called? A lotta times? Yah…. so much for that. But! you didn’t even tell me what happened or even a sorry? Yeah, thanks. And since you were rudely talking to someone else about going to watch Harry Potter(you asked if you were being rude by talking to your cousin, but i said no, wasn’t it obvious that you were being rude? If I said you were, then you would still be talking to her, no matter what.), I knew you were watching Harry Potter. With your cousin. Okay, the thing is, we had a fight a few days ago. Two days ago, and you said that you wouldn’t make me feel so lonely and sad. Seriously!? Wow, I was on the phone. And you just, forgot about me? Noooo, you knew and that’s what’s pissing me off so damn much. Are you that dumb? wow. You left me on the phone for 40 Minutes. I even texted you! I said:

"sara? i’m on the line" And you replied, "Foreal?" Wow seriously? Sara, and we were talking bout something serious too. My dad? You brought that subject up and you just left me there. Just real alone. Sara, you are the meanest person I have ever met in my entire life. You’re the worst. But whyy am I still friends with you? Such a mean person like you? Because I’m too sad to let go. Sara, there are TONS of people out there that could rather be my best friend. I don’t know why I chose you, but it makes sense, cause you practically call me, make me feel stupid all the time. Sara, I cried my eyes out that night. Do you expect me to just forget bout it and move on??

Sunday November 21, 2010: Our text when we're mad at each other.

  • A: Hi
  • S: Hi.
  • A: How are you?
  • S: Awesome, thanks. You?
  • A: Awesome. I'm feeling like a G6.

Friday, October 22, 2010 

Today I went to the beach. The ocean. Where people capture the beauty of nature. But I went for a different reason.

     I am walking my dog. It’s 6:35pm. The sun is starting to go down, creating illuminating colors. I keep walking. I see a police car, and I feel like covering myself. Fuck this, I keep walking- keeping my head up and showing no emotion. My dog does his business. I don’t pick it up. I don’t stop, I’m running out of time.

     I am at the beach. I see a bench and I take a seat. The sun is almost going down. I see these beautiful colors and I take a breath. A breath of sorrow. I don’t need a cigarette to take every breath. I pet my dog. He likes the feel of my hand touching the softness of his fur. It’s just an animal to another. We can not communicate. But he knows I’m sad.

    I get up and start to walk back. I see cars, I see people laughing to themselves. Best friends, couples and the homeless. I keep my head straight, keeping my fast pace. Now I slow down, feeling the wind passing me and the coldness wiping my face. I feel the numbness. I see the beautiful houses that I will never live in. But the people that never enjoy what they have makes my love for architecture stronger. I forget this. I keep walking. I see a house that I’ve loved for centuries. You only see shadows, but the lights are on. It’s for sale. It has been up for sale for a while, and you wonder if a new family would come in and make it a warmer place. I’ve always asked for a beautiful house from my mom.

     I walk. In a normal pace. I try to clear my head of needless thoughts. I pass by a golf range. Where I have memories of learning a new thing and trying out different things. A new experience. I start to walk there. Then I see a lama on my left. It’s been there for so long. So lonely. It sees me and runs to me. I walk to it. My dog sniffs everywhere, keeping his nose down all time. Then he sniffs out the lama and gets into an alert position. I am two feet away from the lama. I call out to it. It stares back at me. I know how it feels.

     I am sitting on a bench right by where the people shoot the golf balls. I stare out into the grass. You can only see the darks and lights of the people, but it feels as if there is no one there. Only shadows. Tears start to well up in my eyes. I get up- angry that I am crying. Showing pain and emotion. I walk back into the direction that I’ve made my path upon. At first I am slow, thinking why what is happening is happening. Then my pace fastens and I am furious. I think about all the times I had to suffer. The times I have done good for the people that are.. mean. I cry for the tears that my mother never showed me. But she won’t see this now. She’s not here. I cry for the father that I never had. The father that I used to call my dad. Now it’s so formal. No, it’s not formal, because I haven’t seen or heard from him for almost three years. Yes, that is a long time for me.

     I do not wipe these tears, because they warm my face. The face that I could feel and touch. I let them dry on my skin. Even though I am showing emotion, and people see. They keep quiet. Because it is my own. I keep letting the tears fall. They bubble up on my eyes and fall. Now they fell like how I did back then. Back when I was suffering and didn’t know how to handle it all. I stop crying now. Because I am home.

xo audrey